One day I told my dear mother that I would like to get married for love. To which she replied, “oh that’s fine, but just for curiosity sake, do you know what love is or how to love?”
Do I know how to love? Do we know how to love? Is there a proper way of loving? I would like to think I know how to love. Love is placing their needs above your own. Something, I would like to do for my family and friends. But why does loving someone automatically entail sacrificing yourself or over looking your needs? This must be the basis for codependent relationships. So no, I do not know. But how many of us knew what kindness was, or how satisfying it would be until we showed it. How many of us knew what caring was, until we cared about something?
One word is not enough to encompass the range of emotions we feel for someone we have spent time with. Time is an investment, what’s more, you don’t get it back, in any form, well, except in the form of memories, I suppose. So you don’t marry a person or befriend someone because of the word, although your feelings and emotions are made intelligible only through that word. Language is revealing. Also, crippling.
Love is also passion. The origin of passion lies in suffering. So to love, is also to suffer. It is also pain. It is light, it is dark. It is giving, also taking. It is honest, sometimes, jealous. It is possessive and yet free flowing. Love isn’t just that one word. Love isn’t just that one emotion. Love is a spectrum. And it is blasphemous to reduce it to some narrowed sense of its meaning.
I know I will marry a person who can halt a thought of mine even for a second. I think a lot. Everyone does. The internal chatter never stops. And I will know I am in love when that stops, just for a nano second. If you have ever met a person, or are with a person, who can stop a thought mid way, who can bring peace because of their mere presence, you are lucky.
I haven’t met anyone like that yet. My mind controls me, and that has always been a strong suit of mine. I don’t get carried away by my heart into acting on something that might harm/hurt others. I often wonder why people say follow your heart. You have a brain for a reason. Think it through. My mind has protected me from every harm that my heart brought on to me.
When this logic of mine is broken, when I am so madly and passionately in love, when my mind shuts down and heart takes over, I will know love. I will know I am in love. It maybe stuff of dreams, what fantasies are made of. But hey, it is my life. And I have a right to dream. And you know, dreams do come true. Especially mine. Because I always get what I want, I am talented like that.
*continued from an old post titled Self Care