I have been doing good. How have you been?
I have been thinking a lot about the kind of people we become, how we assimilate experiences, and are always in the process of becoming someone.
I don’t think I am a completely cynical person. After all that I have read, seen, known, learnt, experienced, observed, I haven’t learnt a thing about being a total cynic. If you were in my place, having heard the things I have, seen the things I have, you wouldn’t be the hopeless romantic (in the sense of loving life and being optimistic), ever so positive person that I am. This, then, is a huge dilemma. Do I feel good about the fact that I haven’t let any experiences (mine and others’) affect me? Despite having met my share of scheming people, whose motives one can only guess at, I still tend to trust people without a thought.
Why am I not more cautious? How do people gain this incredible skill of judging a person’s character and motives and all of that? I want to learn that skill.
The other part is about attachment.
You know, sometimes, you are angry/upset with people, when you really don’t have a right to be either of those with them. You don’t have the right simply because they may not really be a close friend/relative/family. They may just be people who message you to feel better about themselves, things or their situation, you know? I don’t mind being able to do that. To comfort them in times of need, many people who meet me, do that. Happens with my mother and brother also. People seem to gravitate towards us when they land in problems.
But when faced with my own darkness, my own limitations, managing my expectations is a fairly complicated process. This is why I really hate becoming friends with new people. I just don’t want to be friends with anyone anymore. I have enough people as it is. I hate that I haven’t learnt about my own boundaries. I remember you told me once, “you don’t know your own boundaries, Amulya.” I don’t. I really don’t. I still don’t. I don’t even know why any of this is affecting me. Nothing major has happened. I got myself riled up over nothing. My mind finds an easy pathway to darkness. Dark.
And the only coping mechanism I seem to know, unfortunately, is crying, or being irrationally angry at people in general. For a few years now, I have become very sensitive, I guess? Urgh, it’s frankly very annoying to feel so helpless about managing my emotions.
Why do we get used to some people? Why do I get used to some people? Why do we get attached to people? I hate this part of being human. These worthless attachments, unnecessary distractions. And it’s not even like something really bad happened. It’s just one of those days, you know. You sit, think about the past, and really feel you lack social skills, what are my boundaries?
But I am tired in general. Of people, of life, of everything. But then I remember my source, my origin, where I will go in the end of the end. And I feel infinitely better. I am trying. I really am. But I don’t know why I get entrenched in similar patterns, every single time. Each time.