You are a feminist, you should be comfortable. Or should you? 

Dear all,
Every day brings with it a new realisation, a new lesson, and sometimes, if you are lucky, there are days that bring you nothing but boredom and solitude. Treasure those days, they are hard to come by. Life does not have to be lesson after lesson after all, you are allowed to sit back and relax sometimes. But more to the point of today’s post, I keep wondering what my boundaries are. A certain someone, long ago, told me I didn’t know my boundaries. They were right. I made these rules as and when I wanted. For instance, for the longest time I refused to go to pubs because I was told my age would make it easier to fall into “bad ways”. Of course one drinks when they have an inclination. I never had the inclination. But the thought stuck, bad girls go to pubs. For the longest time I thought talking to boys or watching certain tv shows could make your “character” bad, talking about periods was wrong, hell that period blood was gross till I read how pure the blood is. I read that sex (interchangebale with lust, is one of the cardinal sins, I studied in a missionary school, enough said), that abortion was a sin, well, pretty much anything could be a potential sin. These are not lessons one learns only at home, different places and people “school you” into obedience and acts outside of social norms (not necessarily subversive) are punished. Especially if you are girl or a woman. A man can talk about sex without anyone questioning his character. I am yet to come acorss a woman who discusses orgasms or sex in general. Even in discussions within the university spaces, the talk is rather Victorian, we speak about virginity and morality, sex as violence in the form of rape, molestation as abuse in the form of violating personal space, but not really about sex as pleasure. Or sex as fun. I don’t have friends who do that either, forget university colleagues. Married friends at that. Women who have had kids. Is it important to speak about it? Well, maybe not? I wouldn’t know. I mean it’s not like you decide on one topic and speak about it right? It should happen organically. I mean, I know these women, they have discussed their first kisses and all, but never their sex lives. I never asked them to share their first kiss experience, I am hardly going to ask them about something much more important and possibly private and therefore sacred? I don’t know?

Fortunately, we do discuss periods and our best friend PMS. But not with men. Is it important to talk about it with them? Well no, not really. It’s not a common experience, so if you do speak about it, it’s only to educate them, not because you can exchange stories of bleeding. The topic never comes up organically, like an assignment would, or a recent date would.

There maybe men who don’t mind speaking about these things. But remember this is a new territory for us, women don’t just speak about these things, years of being disciplined in various ways cannot be undone in about a decade of university education. But even if a woman doesn’t want to speak about it, I don’t think she needs to apologise. Why can’t one have the freedom to decide what they want to speak about with another person? Why does it have to do with trusting you or respecting you? Can’t a person trust and respect you and still choose not to talk about certain things? Does being a feminist compel me to talk about things just because? Am I not feminist enough if I have these thoughts in my head? Why does my refusal to talk  about something have anything to do with you? Why can’t it just be about me?

There are two parts of me, one that loves the rules I have placed upon myself. I don’t smoke on principle, I don’t drink on principle, I don’t do drugs on principle, and another that refuses to judge another person. I will not look down upon women who do it all, hell no… you go woman, you do you! God knows you have earned the right! So while I am comfortable talking about these things on my blog, I can speak what’s on my mind here, it’s because this isn’t a one to one conversation, this is a one to many conversation. I can talk about the darkest feelings I have, or the most brightest of my ideas, and not feel judged or feel as though I am being put under the scanner. I really can be myself here. I can talk and rant.



Old friends, old routines?

I went to one of my very good friends’ wedding. I also met some of the old gang. I met my (ex)crush (I had a crush on him for the longest time in all of history) with whom I shared a love-hate relationship. We were friends, then we weren’t, I secretly liked him, he never did, I didn’t except him to, we became friends and then it was time to say bye bye school, he got a girlfriend, I still liked him, then suddenly, one day I didn’t like him anymore, but continued being friends, I respect(ed) him loads. He had the brains, and that I really liked.

The problem with meeting your old crushes is the disappointment it causes. Oh I don’t mind the occasional taunts, teasing, and the small fights we have when we so very rarely meet. I guess I have an extreme reaction to him, even though I don’t like him like I used to. But when people get offended because you have strong opinions about something (for instance I don’t booze. I won’t just because someone thinks it is cool, I will booze if I ever the feel the need to, and honestly I don’t think I ever will). There are things in life you cannot control, but staying away from addictions? I can, most certainly. I don’t know how to manage my emotions, and people like me need to look out for themselves so they do not rely upon external stimulants to manage their lives. I didn’t feel the need to share this with him, he construed it in another way, that I think of drinking as a sin.

I crack dirty jokes too. With my closest of friends. I don’t feel comfortable cracking such jokes with just about anyone. He called me uptight. But I think he froze any emotion I could feel when he belittled my education, and made it seem as though feminism is a dirty word. Oh and also, he proceeded to ask me why I was so bitter (courtesy my Facebook posts). We chat on whatsapp, but I guess those chats mean nothing. The point is I try my hardest not to offend him, and yet I guess I do, because I don’t see why else he thought he had to attack me? I might have offended him, I am sure.

For all those times I thought I really liked him, it seems, I was not very bright. It also seems as though I am going to continue to react extremely to him. So anyway, bye for now, from an uptight, bitter feminist. I guess I should be glad I wasn’t called a man hater and a bra burner. 😁. Also, I don’t trust my choices anymore. I have seen the guys I secretly like, I don’t think I should be trusted with choosing a guy for myself. Suckfest. Over.

What do women want?

*warning: Swear words ahead. Actually, just one. If you are under age, I am no one to tell you what to read. 

What do women want? This question haunts us all. Most forwards, jokes, and essays are written on/about/of/for it.

If you have read my blog before and still believe I buy into brainless mainstream (read patriarchal) ideology that unnecessarily and intentionally either divinises or complicates a woman and if nothing works indulges in mystification of women and will actually write a fucking post about it, that, right there, is a classic example of foolhardy.

Each woman is different, just like every man is. How difficult is that to figure out? Humans are all different and yet the same. Same because we all need food, sex, and air, and attain pleasure most of all in all of these things. We also have a death impulse, so eloquently put by Freud (a man who has had massive mommy or/and daddy issues and theorised about it and we fucking celebrate him. I prefer Pavlov, Skinner, thank you very much. And if we are talking about psychoanalysis particularly then I would rather read feminist reinterpretation of it). But our life is not limited just to those things.


Some of my male friends believe that all women want is marriage. And since they are the frame of reference I have and all I know about men seems to be derived from their behaviour, I confess, I believe most men (#notallMen. We know not all men, jeez, stop saying it and hash tagging it. No feminist in her right mind believes #Allmen are the same. We are not fucking homogenised products to be exactly the same).

1. You are wrong. Not all women want marriage. Actually, I can’t and won’t speak for all women. I speak for me and like minded individuals. We don’t particularly want to get married. We have a career we happen to like. We want to be independent in a certain way and if marriage happens, then fine. We won’t chase it or look for marriage as though that is the goal of our freaking lives. We all have our economic, professional, personal and private, and spiritual goals that do not involve marriage or man. 


One of my friends (and mind you this is a progressive, or so I think, man who also happens to be my colleague. In fact, he was my classmate and joined Phd a year before I did.) said usually you will only find men regret getting married. Women are happy with it.

2. You are wrong. I see plenty of women (including my mother, your mother, aunts) who all believe marriage was a fucking mistake, but they stayed with it and are proud of it, proud that they stayed. No, not because they fucking like it, but because you and I would have been a part of a fucking (more) dysfunctional family. This is the reason why elders in our society believe couples should have babies within the first year of marriage, that ensures the survival of it. Because women, not on account of their self sacrificial qualities, but because they fucking gave birth to you, want the best for you and believe a father figure is important, and he is. 

In case, a woman chooses to be out of the crappy set up. You go girl! Whatever you want and know to be good for you and your kids.


Priyanka Chopra is such a feminazi, she said she wants a man only for his sperm (so she can have babies), we all got out knickers in a twist because of that. I mean how dare she say that? Imagine if men were to say the same thing? That women are only for sex. That’s all.

3. Are you fucking blind? That’s all there is to see/hear in our ads, indoor and outdoor. A freaking soft drink needs its bottle to be shaped like a woman to be sold, DC cannot sell its paper without a woman. And everyday we drool over item numbers. No one raises their voice. Now that finally, strong independent women (who do not identify themselves as feminists) say the same thing, most men cannot digest the fucking fact. Just like you guys seem to think women are meant for sex and that apparently is a compliment to them, some women consider you to be sperm banks. Simple. I don’t believe in eye for an eye, but why don’t you get so annoyed when you watch TV, read newspapers, or watch films, oh or your favourite past time– watching porn? Fucking male gaze does not get you jittery, a woman who earns ten times more than you and has a voice does. Where are your “balls” then?


Every group (even those that are meant for formal communication) is inundated with bloody forwards about how women suck the blood of men, spend their hard earned money and that their lives are a hell because of them. They would like to break out of it all and be free again. Independence is the dream, bhaiyon (brothers).

4. Haha! Are you serious? I find that funny. No, really, I do. Not for the same reason as most men obviously do. I find it funny because marriage is a fucking patriarchal set up intended to benefit men. Sexuality and reproduction (of women) frightens the bejeezus out of patriarchy and patriarchs. You see, sex out of marriage is a sin, and so is reproducing out of marriage, and so is reproducing a girl child. Forget the fact that it is the fucking (no pun intended) man’s sperm that ultimately decides the gender of the babe. Oh and just so you know, every one is conceived a female before the penis grows. Chew on that while you fluster over how bad the girls have become,so much so that they can write the word penis. It’s an organ like any. I don’t see what the fuss is about. Even more fuss is made out of saying vagina out loud. Go figure! Oh while I am at it, I might as well say Sex and menstrual blood. Oh, you are thinking we even shy away from saying potty or urine, you are wrong, we say it and even if we don’t it is only because we find it gross, but the other things I mentioned are not said because it is a sin or something to be ashamed of.  

So, in order to control our sexuality and reproduction, patriarchs decide, for the sake of money and inheritance, to create the institution of marriage. And then you say you didn’t want it in the first place? Haha! Even today, you guys want iron clad control over women.

Do you really think we are fond of marriage in its present form? We have to move out of our homes. Out of our comfort zone. 

And how conceited are you? Are you really such a pleasure to live with? 

Like we love making coffee, cooking, washing, for you? Like we love mothering you? Like we love doing this intensive home bound work without appreciation or economic benefits? And then most men cry about alimony. 


A friend at the university, (a doctoral student at that. Just goes on to show literacy is different from education) told me that ALL men are dogs. He even said I would be naive to believe #NotallMen. And then most men would also have me believe all they want is sex and food. Oh wait, the ultimate Joey conundrum. Food or sex. Umm, food on women. 

5. Honestly, I feel bad for you guys if you honestly believe life is only about food and sex. Maslow was an idiot, I guess. He should have stopped at the first two levels of the fucking pyramid, right? Most scientists are also idiots. HIGGS, Who? Academicians are also idiots. Dorothy Smith, who?


Women only want rich guys. Women only want good looking guys. Women only want., wait they are so complicated we need an encyclopedia. 

Women are Godesses. Women should stay at home and do their domestic duties. 

Women are such gold diggers. All they want is money. Women are patient and self sacrificing. They are the epitome of sacrifice and love and kindness.

Could you please decide what you believe in? Your confusion is giving me a whiplash. 

But who are we to decide what women are or want? 

Women are not a homogenous category. Like men. We have our distinct tastes and we bring in our experiences to make sense of life which is, I am sorry to say that is not so simple as wanting just food and sex. Please do not think that is an excuse for your behavior. Think of this excuse when you read news about brutal rapes.  

I would urge you to think twice before sending demeaning forwards on wives. And women. Being a wife is not a qualification that women want to wear proudly on their sleeve. It offers us at best, an intimacy, that all humans want and need. Security and stability are not a woman’s goals alone. Like I mentioned above, these are somethings that are true of all of us humans. We all want stability and security. That is why we work, we save, we invest, we procreate. If you don’t want to procreate, that is also fine. But do not just assume all women want children. I don’t seem to be very keen on the idea of having children. Given the state of affairs in our country, I will be doing a favour by not having any. I might change my mind after I am married. Who knows?

We cannot and should not try to fit people into frames. This is why I say most men. I know it’s #NotallMen. I hope not! The way for a good family, good country, good world is for us to remember that we are living on a borrowed planet and time and we need to treat ourselves and others with respect. Do not buy into ideologies that separate the masculine and feminine principle. They work together. We all need to be assertive, and yet compassionate too, they are not as dichotomous as made out to be!