Old friends, old routines?

I went to one of my very good friends’ wedding. I also met some of the old gang. I met my (ex)crush (I had a crush on him for the longest time in all of history) with whom I shared a love-hate relationship. We were friends, then we weren’t, I secretly liked him, he never did, I didn’t except him to, we became friends and then it was time to say bye bye school, he got a girlfriend, I still liked him, then suddenly, one day I didn’t like him anymore, but continued being friends, I respect(ed) him loads. He had the brains, and that I really liked. 

The problem with meeting your old crushes is the disappointment it causes. Oh I don’t mind the occasional taunts, teasing, and the small fights we have when we so very rarely meet. I guess I have an extreme reaction to him, even though I don’t like him like I used to. But when people get offended because you have strong opinions about something (for instance I don’t booze. I won’t just because someone thinks it is cool, I will booze if I ever the feel the need to, and honestly I don’t think I ever will). There are things in life you cannot control, but staying away from addictions? I can, most certainly. I don’t know how to manage my emotions, and people like me need to look out for themselves so they do not rely upon external stimulants to manage their lives. I didn’t feel the need to share this with him, he construed it in another way, that I think of drinking as a sin. 

I crack dirty jokes too. With my closest of friends. I don’t feel comfortable cracking such jokes with just about anyone. He called me uptight. But I think he froze any emotion I could feel when he belittled my education, and made it seem as though feminism is a dirty word. Oh and also, he proceeded to ask me why I was so bitter (courtesy my Facebook posts). We chat on whatsapp, but I guess those chats mean nothing. The point is I try my hardest not to offend him, and yet I guess I do, because I don’t see why else he thought he had to attack me? I might have offended him, I am sure.

For all those times I thought I really liked him, it seems, I was not very bright. It also seems as though I am going to continue to react extremely to him. So anyway, bye for now, from an uptight, bitter feminist. I guess I should be glad I wasn’t called a man hater and a bra burner. 😁. Also, I don’t trust my choices anymore. I have seen the guys I like, I don’t think I should be trusted with choosing a guy for myself. Suckfest. Over. 

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Pruning negative thoughts 

My potatoes have some kind of a disease. It could be wilt disease or blight, I am not too sure. But it seems, I learn something or the other from my plants everyday. When my plants started drooping, I googled for possible solutions. I found out that the plant needn’t be uprooted, just the leaf or branch suffering is to be plucked. Unfortunately for my plants, I read this a little too late. 

What I learnt though, is this: say you have had a fight with a friend/cousin/lover etc, what do you do? Do you ruin your relationship in its totality? Or do you prune these bits out and encourage healthy growth? More often than not, our thoughts are like the disease of a plant. It first hinders proper circulation of water and oxygenation, creates an environment of suffocation that leads to early (warning) signs of  death. So instead of letting the whole plant die, you cut the leaf that’s most affected, support healthy growth by feeding it neem powder or some other kind of organic pesticide. 

What, then, do I have to say about toxic relationships? From my experience in the garden, I will say, usually a potato with three eyes is planted in the soil, in the offchance that one does not grow properly, there are two more. Our lives are full of people. When one toxic relationship dies, like the potato plant, cut the affected plant and let the other two grow. In the absence of three plants trying to get nutrients, you will have just two and chances of better yield also increases. 

PS: you should smell the soil in which potato tubers grow. It smells of a newly born babe. Raw and kind of a metallic smell. First I was a little scared if it was the wilt causing this, only to realise I had smelled such a scent before, around newly born babes. In India, babies are given bath only on the 12th day, therefore it isn’t the best kind of smell that lingers around babies. Just like the smell of the soil in which small potatoes grow. It was then that I realised, we are all truly connected beings. My Garden teaches me life lessons and how! 

Fade in or fade out?

Like smoke

Those memories

They slip and fade

Swirling feather like substance

Even before I can think 

Of grasping at them

They fly away
Like a fist full of sand

Loose memories 

Have no home 

Atleast not a permanent one

Then why do we try?

Or do we? 
And yet 

They make you stronger 

Like the loose soil in a pot

Aerating a mind that is 

At risk of becoming self righteous. 

People with stories

I booked a share cab on Ola.

Usually, I do not have company. I almost always travel alone. The last time I booked a share cab though, I met this beautiful (inside and outside) woman named Anita. She is about the same age as I am, and she told me about her life. She fell in love with a man who is paraplegic (he lost lower body control due to a freaky accident). More often than not, when you deliver such news to your family, you are accused of being “trapped”. Especially if you are a girl.

Girls are unsuspecting sitting ducks, who are vulnerable, emotional, begging to be trapped by evil, scheming men, especially if they don’t belong to your caste or religion, then they definitely trapped you. I mean why else would they fall in love with you? It’s not like love just happens you know? Ok, yeah, you can choose to love or not love, but come on who plans on falling in love with a man the society labels as undesirable? Men who do not belong to your religion, caste, complexion, physical condition, they are all undesirable. Screw love thy neighbor and all that about Indian culture being the best, we are still stupid people who build walls wherever and whenever.

So anyway, her parents too think she was trapped. Both are Christians, by the way, but who saidIndian parents   like it when their daughters choose their husbands! I have a friend who fell in love with a boy of her own caste, and still her parents took a whole year to agree to agree to their marriage. I told her, just go tell them you could have done worse. I mean imagine if the guy were a Muslim. Nothing is more blasphemous than being a victim of “Love Jihad”. Who the hell comes up with its these terms man? Who has the time to plan on trapping girls. No I don’t get this trapping thing at all. If choosing your partner is a trap, then arranged marriage is an even bigger trap.

Blessed to be sick

Hyderabad is suffering from an unusual psychotic illness that has made the usually agreeable October weather oscillate between heat and rain. The result of trying to keep up with the weather is flu and sore throat.
I have been sick for long now. Yesterday, my doctor asked me to have energy drinks on account of low BP (sheesh) and acute sore throat is killing me. Not to mention the ear pain because of the throat pain and headache and flu. I hate this.

Ok, so now that I have vented all I want. Let’s get to the essentials. One, I feel incredibly blessed. I was in my university the other day, when I felt really sick. One of my friends happened to be there. God bless him. He accompanied me to the Health centre, got me my tablets and tea. When it started to rain, he went to his room to get me an umbrella. By the time he came back, I fell asleep on a bench in the homely canteen. He got me warm milk and was there with me till I got on the bus.

In February I was in the same university to give my PhD entrance and I was a little sick. Another friend of mine who was already enrolled into the PhD program got me Minute Maid and waited for me outside the examination hall for about two hours. He got me lunch and made sure I was ok.

Another friend of mine chose to go with me to the university, which is so far away from the city, even though she knew she would have to walk like crazy. She carried my bag for a bit when it became too heavy for me. Another friend of mine ( who is a doctor) is always a call away. She is my family (and extended family and friends’) doctor. If anyone within my circle is sick and needs urgent medication, she is there. No matter the time or day. She is there for me. And for so many other friends and relatives of mine.

Once my mother made it a point to call me at work and ask how I was doing because she knew I was having a crisis of sorts at my work place. My brother makes it a point to wait at the bus stop till I board the bus. Concern and so much of it.

A stranger remarked once, why would any of your friends be interested in your mundane going-ons of life. Well they are, they simply are. I know I am. I would love to know what my friends think about something, how they approach life etc.. So I never questioned why they like doing it as well. I love the fact that they care. I cannot be and don’t want to be so simple minded as to think it is just voyeuristic curiosity that drives them. I will not question their motives. I will believe it is love that drives them.

There is a dearth of people who care. Care enough to place somebody else’s concerns above their own. And I am not going to lose out on those people by questioning their intentions. I am sick enough to want to strangle someone (pun unintended :-P), but in this moment of clarity (epiphany, if you will) , I think it’s worth being sick. Or in trouble. *wink wink*